I’ve been meaning to post something about this for several days but thankfully it’s still pertinent enough to write about it. The following is the text of an email I got from a friend a week or two ago:

The Paul W. Bryant Museum will be open the week of Spring Break; March 17th thru 21st! Our hours will be 9 a.m. – 4 p. m. The museum will be closed Sunday, March 23, 2008 in observation of Easter.

The Bama Twins will be signing autographs on A-Day from 10 a.m. until Noon.

For more A-Day information, please visit www.uagameday.com.

Who the fuck are the Bama Twins? Tell me they are not talking about who I think they are talking about.

Needless to say, I was intrigued. Like my friend I was hoping that it wasn’t who he, and now I, was thinking it was. Very shortly though good ol’ Google confirmed my fears. These lovely creatures are the “Bama” twins.


What the hell have we come to when these two young women are signing their autographs and on top of that the event is sanctioned by some branch of the university?

First off, what are their names? Let’s say I did want an autograph. One of them could sign it “Betty Crocker” and I wouldn’t be any wiser. How can you get an autograph from someone whose name you don’t even know? The publicity didn’t even say “Daisy and Ellie May, otherwise known as the Bama Twins.” No, it just says the Bama Twins. Has this become common knowledge? I don’t think so. I know a helluva lot about Alabama Football and I don’t know the names of the “Bama Twins”. I could tell you the starting defensive line for the ’99 team but I assure you if you ask me to name just one of the “Bama Twins” I would be at a total loss.

And b, what have they done, other than be good looking twins, to become celebrity enough to warrant someone wanting their signature? Have they donated a bunch of money? Has CBS guaranteed to show the majority of our games if they’ll film an intro? Did they meet each recruit in our consensus number one class as they arrived into town? All I’ve ever seen them do is walk through the Quad and show up for a few seconds on a telecast and all the sudden they’re the next Sela (fucking) Ward.

Granted I am not a big signature seeker. If memory serves the last signature that I personally got was Jill Arrington’s after the ’04 Iron Bowl and the only reason that I did that was because, even in my bourbon fueled misery from the loss, when I found myself face to face with her, I knew that “I think your hotttt!” wasn’t an appropriate thing to say to her while my wife was standing there and “I want to lay you down by the fire and make sweet love to you all night long” probably wouldn’t have been the most classy thing either so I opted for the autograph. But for the love of Pete, she was Jill Arrington, not a nameless twin who wears houndstooth.


Furthermore, I understand that they don’t (and never have attended) the University. I mean, I’m glad their fans and all and I’d give a hug or a “good game” after a really good victory but that doesn’t make them autograph worthy?

What exactly are you gonna do with a Bama Twin autograph anyway? Is there a big ebay market for them? I doubt it. No, it’s probably going to be something more like this: It’s four years from now and your cleaning out a desk drawer prior to moving to a new place.

You: Hey honey, I found this old A-Day program from’08. There’s no reason to keep it is there? I mean it is A-day after all.

Honey: No, no reason I can’t think of. Throw it away.

You: Hey, wait a second. Who the fuck is Betty Crocker? She signed this program here on this page with those girls who used to wear houndstooth hats and go-go boots and walk around campus.

Honey: You mean the famous maker of delicious and easy to make baking products?

You: No, I’m pretty sure she’s dead. Besides she wouldn’t have been at A-day even if she were alive.

Honey: Isn’t that the day you got drunk and you and (name redacted) followed those two girls around begging for me to take your picture with them?

You: You just described every tailgate experience for the last ten years. How am I supposed to know? Screw it. I’m throwing it out.

And that my friends, is the best case scenario.

Now before the hate mail starts, I’m sure they are sweet and dedicated fans. It is not a personal thing against them. I don’t know them so I’m not judging them. This isn’t quite as ridiculous as the Jenn Sterger phenomenon either. To begin with these chicks are like 14 times less slutty. But the fact is they have done about as much to deserve celebrity status as she has. They have looked good and been caught on camera.


And if that is all it takes to be a celebrity, I should have been famous a long time ago.