An Open Letter to Gene Hallman

Gene Hallman is the President and CEO of the Bruno Event Team, LLC which controls campus on days that the University of Alabama plays football.

“To ensure that everyone has a safe and enjoyable Gameday experience…”.

Dear Mr. Hallman:

Thanks for screwing up tailgating on the quad. I am not sure how we could have ever continued without the decisions you and your crack team of event planners made. I can’t tell you how much the long walks from any available parking spot that doesn’t cost me $10 to park in and the gestapo of a crew you have working to control quad drop-off points are certainly making my gameday experience more enjoyable.

Parking has gotten absolutely ridiculous. I’ll give you credit, it was a good idea to keep people from parking on the sidewalks so that they could be used for their intended purpose of walking. Of course now, instead of having to dodge parked cars, I have to dodge the myriad of golf carts piloted by immigrant workers (who I am certain are all in possession of all proper legal documentation) and the other meth addicted support staff you have retained. That’s definitely improving my safety and enjoyment.

Is there fear of some terrorists group driving some destructive device onto the quad? That would certainly justify the three block clear zone full of empty parking spaces and more of your highly motivated, highly trained gameday personnel. Of course the road closures don’t affect the VIP vehicles that zoom pass me at 50 mph on University Blvd. Once again; safe and enjoyable.

Reserving the parking decks for students and “permitted vehicles” seems to be going well.Another great move Mr. Hallman. I guess they are filling up mere moments before kick-off because when I drove passed your SWAT caliber parking attendants 30 minutes prior to the Georgia game I was amazed to find them more than half-empty. There is tax money hard at work. It is good to know that structures designed to park vehicles aren’t doing that when the need is greatest. But hey, they’ve got to pay you for something, right?

Well maybe that’s why all the new lots have opened a convenient 1.2 miles from the stadium that only charge $10 to park. Surely that money doesn’t go to fund the “free” bus system that magically stops running about the time I’m ready to go get my car? I thought that there was good thought involved when I saw yellow tape up to keep vehicles off of the multitude of grass lots all over campus. I mean, we need to keep the grass pretty. Then I read that you’re parking cars on the three “grassed lots” you advertise on the website. Of course the yellow tapes clearly block off areas that unless your driving Big Foot you can’t park in anyway.

It was also a brilliant move to make tent set-up on the quad at 6:00 p.m. on Friday. That’s going well; unless you don’t care about set-up time like all the arrogant bastards from Georgia that came in and took over several spots. We’ve had the same spot for three years and not until this year when things are more regulated have we had people in our spot. Either mark off and sell spots (I’m so sure this is coming anyway) or don’t try to regulate it. Speaking of which I’m glad to see your regulations are working so well. There is never anyone set up before 6:00 and never a trailer on the quad and absolutely no stakes being driven in the ground. And all this set-up time business in the name of not disrupting students; something tells me that if any student out there is disrupted from going or coming to class because a few folks put tents on the quad Friday morning then they’ve got bigger issues to deal with. Let’s get this straight; it’s OK to do Jager Bombs at Gillete’s until 5:30 Friday morning but God forbid someone set up a tent too early. That might adversely affect the educational environment.

I’m curious as to when it got so bad that somebody came in and said, “Hey! We need to fix this.” I’m not sure that it ever was. Of course that was before LSU comes to town with death and revenge on their minds. You’ve got to remember that Louisiana is the region of the country that spawned Ed Orgeron, so you know they’re crazy. And now they’re pissed. I’ll be totally surprised if I don’t see a live farm animal, gang-raped, slaughtered, butchered, and roasted on a spit all on the Mound prior to kick off from these crazy bastards. It will be Baton Rouge North here next weekend. Most of the sons-of-bitches kill and eat their own food. Do you really think they care about your rule telling them they can’t have a generator. I’m not telling them to turn it off and I’m pretty sure that Skippy, the freshman majoring in Political Science and praying for a recommendation from you or Earl, the Wal-Mart greeter flunkie who got let go because his false teeth kept coming out and scarring the customers, who work for you are either. God help us.

Since you are the President and CEO of an event planning company, I assume you are a pretty smart guy. I understand that the Bruno’s Memorial Classic or whatever they call that golf tournament in Birmingham now is well put together. Of course hundreds of thousands of people flock to watch crusty old bastards hobble all over the golf course. Hell, most of those guys are two years away from being starters at their local public courses and yelling at me because I’m playing with a group of five or out of the wrong fairway. But you have been lauded for that, so kudos to you.

Note to Mr. Hallman: This ain’t golf.

I’m curious Mr. Expert; How many times have you woken up with three hours of bourbon induced sleep to pack the cooler and load the car? How many times have you drank a beer, just to get your buzz back to keep from puking up the Irish Car Bomb infused Krystal Steamer Pack you had at 3:45 so that you could put out the table-clothes in a manner that would make Paula Dean tear up? How may times, Mr. Hallman, have you had the first slab of ribs off the grill prior to ESPN’s College Gameday coming on, praying the whole time that the Excederin kicks in so that the putrid stink of Innisfree at 2:30 still on your shirt won’t make you gag? Hell, how many times have you set up a tailgate stone-cold sober and cooked all day so that your friends would have just a good of a time as you do before going in to one of the greatest spectacles in this great nation of ours?

Really? That’s what I thought.

You make me sick Mr. Hallman

I suggest that until you know something about tailgating, other than it is a way for you to put more money in your pocket, that you quit trying to make it safer and more enjoyable. I’ll give you some tips:

1.Lots of porta-potties- Is it a crime if there isn’t a 15 minute wait to pee?

2. Designated tailgate spots- I would gladly pay $100 a year to have the same spot without worrying about the family from Sylacauga who decided tailgating might be fun and then gets mad because we’re doing jello shooters at 9:30 a.m.

3. Open the parking decks and some of the closed areas near the quad- You can still have adequate access without taking up all the parking spots.

In short Mr. Hallman, you have fixed what was not broken to begin with and thrown the baby out with the bathwater. In short, you suck. Quit treating this like the Champions’ Tour and take care of those that are taking care of you(the University). It certainly isn’t rocket science. If they can successfully do it in Baton Rouge, Oxford, and Auburn, it can’t be that hard.